01:12 a.m. Sunday, January 12, 2003
Hooray Huzzah
My site has moved to fluxdebouche.com!!!
Come and revel in my wonderfulness. And to the two of you who actually read my site, update your bookmarks, yo.
Goodbye, fair pita! Fare thee well.
12:41 a.m. Friday, January 10, 2003
I don't really know what I was thinking cause I am not a geek really, but I decided to register my own domain. So this journal thing may be moving to fluxdebouche.com. I think I'll be using b2 to post, as it's installed free by my webhost.
I bet you anything I'm going to get confused and give up though. I hope I can keep a similar design...or a better one. That's the thing I hated about LJ is that it was too difficult and boring for me to figure out how to customize. Now I'm rambling. Oh yeah, I'll be able to do comments now rather than the silly tagboard and the guestbook that noone uses! Yay.
10:23 p.m. Thursday, January 9, 2003
Today I went for a long walk. I started out not knowing where I was going. I wound around my neighborhood and I thought about how nice it was that all the houses looked different. Some still had Christmas lights up, some had flowers and treehouses in the backyard, and some looked old and neglected. I've decided if I buy a house, I want one in this neighborhood. I'll paint it purple and plant sunflowers in the front yard.
I came upon an elementary school that I've never seen before. It was late, but I could still see kids inside sitting at tables. I guess they were waiting for their parents to pick them up. I remember doing that when I was little. I remember feeling impatient and kind of unimportant. The school was on the edge of a park that I knew was there but had never walked to before.
The park has a creek running through it, and little bridges and benches. I saw lots of people with their dogs and I really really want a dog. I saw a man feeding another man in a wheelchair next to the creek. I could smell fire in the air.
There was a playground with tons of children playing. It was one of the happiest scenes I've seen in a long time. Everyone was laughing and running and the parents played with their kids and talked to them like they were people too. There was a man with a guitar playing music.
I walked by a man sitting on a bench with his head in his hands. I watched as he sat there and got up and walked to his VW bug and got in. There was a girl holding a dog on a leash and her mom was holding her on a leash. The girl was on a leash. I thought about this the whole way home.
We don't walk enough in America, in Texas. Walking lets you see things you would never see in a car or even while running or biking. You might notice little things for a second as you swoop by. You're not really sure if that's really what you saw.
The best park ever. I'm going to walk there tomorrow too.
12:33 a.m. Wednesday, January 8, 2003
I swear. Just when I decide I don't want to date, I get asked out.
Hopefully we'll just be friends. Because I really do mean what I said. I don't want to deal with disappointment and rejection right now. Do I sound bitter? Bitter at the tender age of 25.
I don't really feel bitter. I just know that it will mess up because I'm not ready for anything right now. I feel so selfish and guarded with my feelings. I feel vulnerable and confused. It's not a good time.
There are times when I really don't like myself much. Lately it's been one of those times. My emotions and moods dip and swell, I can't predict how I'm going to feel the next minute, much less the next day. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't really like what I see. It's hard to see what you really look like, to see yourself as others see you. My face becomes a blur. Sometimes I don't know who this person is. Do I really look like that?
I wish I could write songs and sing them. I listen to these words that others sing. I close my eyes and sing along softly. When you write a song, a beautiful song with real words that mean real things, others listen to you. They say "I love that song" and "I feel the same way" and they clap. All you have to do is sing. They love you for your words and your music. It's so much simpler that way.
I am bored as hell. Boredom makes me insecure and miserable. Give me a week and I'll be too busy and I'll complain about that. I am such a pain in the ass.
01:12 a.m. Tuesday, January 7, 2003
It always starts well. I meet someone who I find interesting and attractive, someone who I'd like to spend more time with. He seems to agree, and we start to hang out.
My parents never taught me to depend on another for self-esteem. I was never taught I needed a relationship- in fact, there have been times my mother has discouraged it. "You don't need a relationship," she has said. "You should focus on your school and work."
And she's been right. And for a while I have, and then I decide that I can handle dating someone while still focusing on my life, and so I open myself up to it. Like I said, in the beginning, everything looks fine.
Then something changes inside of me. I become this person I was never taught to be. I become needy and dependent on others for my own self-worth. The change is so sudden that I don't even see it coming. No matter how many times I swear I'll never do it again, I start to look to the other person for attention. Lots of attention. And if I don't get it, I get upset.
Hell, I even see myself doing it and I can't seem to stop myself. It's not that I get all psycho...I used to be more that way. Now I'm more subtle. But it's just as damaging and they feel it as well as I do.
Then inevitably, they break it off with me. I cry, and now he's just another asshole. But the truth is, I do it to myself. I understand completely where they're coming from, as I would be the same way.
The thing is, I'm not like this with all guys. It usually seems to be the ones who don't quite match up, the ones that aren't quite 'it', who should be happy to date someone like me. I don't really mean that arrogantly- but it's kind of true. I'm pretty cool, ask anyone.
But I'm also incredibly, painfully sensitive. I know it as one of my strengths and a big weakness. But I will never, ever really be able to change that. I'm getting better at masking it, but I will always that way. I have so much self-esteem in many areas, but the one thing I need to change is my self-esteem in relationships.
It's funny, because a friend pointed out to me that I hold a fine line between the attention that I want and what I consider too much attention. He described it as 'a razor edge' and he's right. Ignore me, and I will think you're the greatest. Call me everyday and tell me you really like me, and I'll run like hell.
It completely confuses me too. And while I am in no way looking for a serious relationship, because I have neither the patience nor the time, I wouldn't mind meeting someone who I really clicked with. Who didn't scare me away, and whom I didn't scare away.
But I've decided something. I'm not going to date anyone for a period of... 3 months. Yes, that's it. That actually may be a record for me since the time that I actually started dating. It will be good for me to remember who I am and why I'm so fucking cool with noone else interfering. And hopefully, after the months of being alone and really liking it (and I think I will), I'll be able to remember that I don't need anyone. That I'm happy on my own, but you can come along if you like. That you will not ruin my day if you don't see who I am and what I can be to you. Yay.
08:11 p.m. Sunday, January 5, 2003
I once when on a date with this guy that I met through a dating service. My friend had joined this service a few months before and had drunkenly admitted to it one night, saying that it was fun and interesting and recommending it to me. So I decided that I had nothing to lose and tried it.
I got a lot of responses from some interesting guys and some guys that were completely not my type. I was pretty open-minded though, as my previous relationship had been with a guy who I had thought was completely not my type when I first met him years before.
So this one guy seemed nice and fairly intelligent. Judging from his picture, he wasn't the hottest thing in the world, but neither am I. And the picture was a little fuzzy, so he could have been hotter in person. I decided to chance it after talking to him for a couple weeks and agreed to go to a movie with him one night.
For some reason I allowed him to pick me up at my house. This is something I will never do again, partly because it could be dangerous and partly because it's easier to make a fast getaway from a horrible date if you have your car with you.
I opened the door to a guy who looked somewhat like the guy I had seen in the picture...well, he actually looked like the balder, chubbier version of the guy in the picture. But he was passable, so I decided not to slam the door in his face.
We went to see Blade 2. It wouldn't have been my choice, but for some reason I let him choose. Immediately I was turned off by him and his choice in movies for a first date. I would think that a guy would know to choose some cheesy romantic comedy over a violent movie about vampires if he wanted to impress a girl.
After the movie, we talked a little and had coffee. He was not a bad guy to talk to, as he was attentive and asked me a lot of questions about myself. You'd be surprised at how rare that can be. I found myself thinking that he could possibly be someone I could date, if he kept up this attentive act.
Then came the drive home. On the way to the movie, we had just talked without listening to the radio, but on the way home he switched it on. Country music. Not even cool country, like Johnny Cash or Dolly, but crap Top-40 country that I used to listen to in high school for some reason. Although this was quite disappointing, I told myself maybe he likes other music(good music?) too.
Then came one of the most horrifyingly shocking moments of the whole night. As he was driving on the highway, some car cut him off. He braked suddenly and screamed (and I quote), "FAGGOT!!"
I'm sure my jaw stayed dropped the whole rest of the ride home. It was all I could do to wait until the car had stopped moving before I jumped out and ran up to my door, mumbling "Thanks, yeah, had a nice time, bye!"
Sometimes I feel like that date was a good portrayal of how I feel about guys and dating right now. I feel in a way that I'm settling for attention until the huge deal-breaker comes, when I have to jump and roll from a moving car to save myself.
I know that I should be picky, because I'm worth it. But I'm one of those people that knows intensely my own faults, so I try to be tolerant of faults in others until I have no choice. Then I look back and wonder why I put up with any of it. For attention? I'm old enough to know better. I'm good enough to be choosier.
Yet, every time, I allow myself to believe that I can put up with things that I really shouldn't.
12:48 p.m. Saturday, January 4, 2003
I will always remember the day the sun shone dark on your hair and I forgot where we were and kissed you lightly on the nose and suddenly there was no more secret.
I'd like to go on a road trip. We could start here, in the middle of Texas and drive. We'd have to go south, of course. South is the only way to go in winter when you're not sure exactly where you're going. Bring your passport, because we might end up in Belize. We could borrow a red convertible and smoke Marlboros and drink Mexican Coca Colas in glass bottles. Beers with lime. The sun would always shine, except at night, when a warm rain would fall. We'd wake up in the morning and everything would be fresh and bright and dewy. And we'd go back on the road, listening to old country and western music. Blues when the sun was setting. I'd need a cowboy hat. We'd stop at every scenic overlook, at roadside bars where we'd dance with the locals. I might fall in love with a mariachi. We'd sleep on the beach, with sand as our pillows. At night, we'd count the stars and forget about our other lives.
We'd be like Thelma and Louise, except for that part when they drive off the cliff.
This is my blogchalk:
United States, Texas, Austin, Travis Heights, English, Claire, Female, 21-25, travel, internet, music, journals.
